Wishful thinking and fairy tales

There is this boy in my life... who has been in my life for the last 3 years, and i love him more then anything in the entire world. He's not the kinda guy that you go to for advice or if you're having issues... and he's not that guy who is really going to catch you when you fall... he's that guy whom i fell in love with 3 years ago because of his ability to bring light into my world of complete darkness. Yea, he was that guy. He could make me laugh just by walking into a room and his smile could turn my whole day around. He loved me... and he loved his friends...

When all of his friends moved away, it was just the two of us... and i knew right then that he had lost himself. He started to work all the time and he fit me in every second he could... but i knew he was missing something. He is still missing that SOMETHING... whatever it is... maybe his life?

A year later... he left.

He moved 3 hours away to go to college. He left me here. He left me for what i now believe was what he's always wanted. He loved college. He loved the college life... not that he's not in college now, but we're back together, and he's back to missing that SOMETHING in his life.

Justin has always been a really stubburn person... and what he wants, he gets without question... maybe thats why im so confused. He seems so unhappy. He's no longer that guy i fell in love with. He's that guy that i come home to, praying to god that he would miss me if i was gone tomorrow... and he does nothing to change it. I just want him to care, be passionate, WANT this. and maybe he does want this... but im pretty sure if the opportunity came about, he could leave... he left once, why not again ya know??

I want to live in the moment with him so bad. I want all the things he wants for himself and i love him enough that i would sacrifice my own dreams for a couple years so that he could have his... but he's told me that he would never do that for me... I dont know how to feel about that. When you love someone its not supposed to matter how long it takes you to get there as long as you get there together..

If i had to give it my best guess.... i would say that he really wants his teenage years back. He wants to go out and party every night and have a few drinks, or hell maybe even alot of drinks... and then come home and pass out without a care in the world... and he has me and im keeping him from all that.... atleast that how i feel that he sees the situation. Me + Justin = boring life sitting at home and working all the time... Justin - Me = partying and a care free life.... that SOMETHING he's always been missing.

Dont get me wrong, I would party with him... but i just dont party like he parties. I dont really drink to get wasted, wine coolers are my friend... and he can talk to 100 people in a night and be happy as can be, where me... all i need is a couple and im okay...

We are two totally different people trying to make our lives come together... and for 3 years all i could do was keep loving him... maybe now i just have to accept that im not good for him... that if i love him like i say i do, then i will let him go and be who he needs to be in order to be happy... He wants that... the look in his eyes whenever he does decide to look in mine always tell me that... he would never actually say it b/c he doesnt want to hurt me, but he wants that.

I guess in the back of my mind i was always hoping that it would work out between us... that i could turn into this girl that he's always wanted and be fun and party and mingle like he does... but thats not me. I love being with him... i simply enjoy his pressence.... mine just isn't enough for him anymore i dont think.

Maybe instead of him letting me go, i need to let him go... he needs to know that im gunna be okay so that he can go on with his life and be happy with someone who can enjoy it like he does... and granted that i will probably never say any of this to him... it will happen sooner or later... we will both realize it...

Days Go By...

So, this is my first blog post since my days of xanga. I REALLY outgrew that site about 5 years ago, though I think my acount is still open?? Life in these last 5 years has definately been busy... probably moved about 5 times had 2 jobs at once.... but for some reason, thats starting to feel like the norm ya know? Since my days of moving from home to home, i've settled down (sorta) with the man of my dreams and started college. We got our own apartment and even though i still have 2 jobs, its no longer because i HAVE to have 2... its because i realized how much i enjoy my job and how much i love helping people. By the way, i work with elderly people as a restorative aide in a nursing home... basically i keep the residents mobile (walking, stretching, and overall activeness) so they dont decline... I would like to think that my job is pretty important.